Another Blog Entry From Pumpkin

One of the challenges with making blog entries in markdown is actually learning markdown syntax. On top of everything else.

I have an appointment with my therapist in an hour or so. I’m fighting it on the inside. I’m not sure why. But perhaps I haven’t made very much progress since our last talk. Perhaps I think I don’t want to try and do self-improvement so much anymore. Or perhaps I’m close to a break through of some kind, and there’s an unconscious wall surrounding me, trying to keep me from changing. Any or all of those could be true I guess.

I guess I think I should have attended more meetings and should have gone outside more. But I am what I am, and my history is history. It doesn’t do a lot of good going coulda woulda shoulda, does it? I don’t think it does.

I actually wanted to go shooting last night at the Roswell place. Can’t even remember the name right now. But Ginny wants to go shooting with me. I think that would be nice. But it will have to be after her actuarial exams.

I’m so proud of how motivated she is her self-improvement lifestyle. She’s got her goals on the refrigerator, and her daily intentions. She has a planning calendar up there, with her progress for each day. Also, there are rewards for her accomplishments. It’s very adorable. In fact, if memory serves, that’s exactly how I was on my mission in Denmark. That was 1979-1981. Seems like just a short time ago, but it’s over 40 years now. Hardly seems possible. Where does the time go?

Sexual Growth

I’m not sure how you would measure growth in sexual maturation. I’m speaking of the psychological aspect of it, not the physical. And I’m not even sure how you would differentiate sexual from psychological maturation. But anyway, I feel like I don’t want to compare myself to others so much anymore. I’m very interested in observing others and their behavior, but I don’t need to make a value judgement about my behavior relative to theirs, unless there’s something I’d like to model about someone else’s behavior. And even then, I’d just like to get on with the modeling. I don’t need to dwell on whether something I’m doing is so inferior by comparison.

When it comes to sexuality, I’ve spent a lot of time comparing myself negatively over the course of my life. I would really like to see that change.

For one thing, I’ve been very aware of who is prettier or not, and who is more handsome. I always thought Sean Connery was more handsome than Roger Moore. But why would I have need to have any opinion at all? Why would I waste any energy on this at all? It’s an intersting observation to simply notice why this question would be of interest at all.

And then there’s how I rank women according to my idea of their relative beauty. And something interesting happend. I shared that I thought this one actress (Isabelle Cornish) was just about perfect, physically with my trainer, Dave. I sent him a link to one of her pictures. And then he came back with, Well, you sure like them skinny. I was floored. Wouldn’t anyone who looked at this actress see how gobsmackingly gorgeous she was? Wasn’t she as clear an example of physical perfection as there ever was? Well, perhaps she was to me. But that’s about where it stopped I guess.

Isabelle Cornish

So, I think she’s beautiful, but beauty is still in the eye of the beholder. So that means, if I don’t think I’m beautiful, others can still disagree. So don’t sell myself short. And also, by the way, don’t get so wrapped around the axle on beauty in the first place. Isabelle will be my age before she knows it, and I’ll be a pile of dust, flying around in the wind. So don’t get too wrapped up in how our bodies look from time to time.

Measuring Growth

I think measuring growth can be done by asking how you feel about something that has troubled you. Or about something that now troubles you but that hasn’t up until now.

Feelings are subtle. But for them to change profoundly, there has to be some sort of shift inside. If you suddenly notice that you want to do something you can’t ever remember wanting to do, I think that’s significant. Maybe it’s be a big brother or sister, or maybe it’s traveling to Ireland or whatever. For me, for some reason, I’d love to visit California again. I’m willing to forgive all of the political lefties who used to drive me crazy. And I’m willing to consider that despite their political feelings, lefties still want most of the same things I want by simple virtue of being human beings. In other words, what we disagree about is dwarfed by what we agree on. Amazing to remember, and amazing how this awareness changes my perception.

For me, looking at little Isabelle here, I would have seen a sexual object. I still could go to that place in my mind where her being in a bikini would trigger a sexual response in me. But I’m curious about other ways of looking at this picture now. I’m curious that I have no idea who she is as a person, and no idea of how she thinks. Or if she thinks. Historically, how a person thinks and what they think about is the largest factor in whether I’m attracted to them over the long term.